I remember receiving my son's autism diagnosis. I knew that our son would probably be diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome but when the official diagnosis came, I was totally overwhelmed. I could not say the word "autism" outloud. I felt like the Fonz in the old tv show "Happy Days". The Fonz could never say "I'm sorry." Every time he tried, he stuttered and could only repeat the first syllable. "I'm ssss, I'm ssss" and on it went. He couldn't say "sorry." In much the same way, I could not say "autism." I certainly wasn't ready to advocate for my son. I had to grieve before I could move on and become his advocate.
I spent 3 months in tears. My son had a diagnosis. This happens to other people but not to our family. I had to grieve that my son wasn't going to be the son I had dreamed. I wasn't going to be the little league treat mom. He wasn't going to be a 10 year old musical prodigy. I didn't know what his future would be. There were losses but I didn't have any idea how big the losses would be. Would he be independent as an adult? As the questions came, the grief was overwhelming. I couldn't face the "worst case scenario " (in my mind) so I grieved. I remember driving to our local mall to eat lunch to keep myself from crying by going out in public. Those hours between 8 am and 3 pm were full of tears of loss and calling out to God and spending time in his Word. It was a time to grieve and a time work through what God was doing in my life.
I knew that I had to come to terms with autism and the new normal in our life. I knew I had to align my will to the will of God. I couldn't control my life no matter how much I tried. I wasn't ready to do that until I grieved the losses that autism brought. God met me on my bed with my Bible open and writing in my notebook. He comforted me through many examples and promises in the scripture.
There were more steps between grieving and becoming my son's advocate. Looking back I don't think any of the steps leading to advocacy would of been successful had I not taken time to grieve. Like anything else, skills are built by laying a foundation one step at a time. If a step is skipped, things often fall apart. Grieving is an important step in any loss including the loss of my dreams of what raising a son would be like. Taking time to grieve was important for me and really set the stage for me to be a better advocate.
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