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Thursday, December 1, 2016

Mixed Emotions

A few weeks ago I wrote about the process of letting go! My son left today to go back to college and I certainly have some conflicting emotions. My emotions are different than many of my fellow mom friends who have children living outside the home. Honestly, I've only been on this road for a few months so I'm still figuring out how I feel. Anyone who knows me could say, "Ruth, what are you talking about? This is your third time around sending a child off to college!" This is true and I have to say that I have seen homesickness, roommate problems and lots of frustration with children flying out of the nest.



Through the years, my role has been one of mom, counselor, packer, shopper and academic/ relational consultant. Launching children out of the nest has taken some pushing and compassion. It was sometimes well received but not always. Conflicting emotions has always been part of the process. This was the story of my high achieving ready for college daughters.

THEN COMES COLLEGE WITH LEARNING DIFFERENCES

When it came to launching to my son to college, it was a slow process. He sort of had a gap year taking one class per semester that first year of community college. Adapting to this new world had a lot of ups and downs. I mean a LOT! It was a learning curve for me and an even bigger one for him. He spent three years at this small campus. I advocated less than when he was younger but I still had that role.

FAST FORWARD: GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE

Our son has gone away to college this year. From my husband and my point of view, it has been wonderful. He is growing as a person so much. There is a lot of ground to still cover but believing he is in the right place brings a lot of peace. He is in a program to support students with autism. There is so much relief knowing he has the support he needs to be successful. So much of the last 20 years has been about being his advocate. I still advocate a little but a lot of that role has been given to others. Do I miss it? NO! It is wonderful not needing to do it! That means that I have a child diagnosed on the autism spectrum who is not sitting in the basement playing video games. Talk to any parent of a teenager diagnosed with autism. A life of video games is a real fear!

On the other hand, it is so hard to see the fear and anxiety that my son shows dealing with leaving home to go back to college. Home is a good life! The demands for work, independence and socialization are much lower at home. It is so hard to watch this kind of emotion well up in my son as he has had a lot of real world "firsts" in the last three months. I know he would love for us to let him live the life of "easy" at home. My husband and I have gently pushed him (he hasn't always seen it as gentle) to conquer the "next hill" so he could become all that God has for him. At times, it would be easy to just let him be "happy" but he would cease to grow. It is hard on my emotions to watch and deal with the struggle but the happiness and joy I see in him as he grows, keeps me in this uncomfortable spot.







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